JOKES
Got a Good one ?
E-mail me with it and I'll share.
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan
they had funded with the U.S. auto makers for the past five-years.
The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in
four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in almost all
fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!!!!"
Only the state of Alabama was different. With very little variation, the final words were,
"Hey Y'all, watch this!"
IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had
never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not
complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that
it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just
signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared
that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for
Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township
administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross
there.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual
behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only
had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said,
"If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded
knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was
crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew
what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light
is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?"
Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to
"downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should
have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each
other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life
of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told
that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department
and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched
from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it
was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."
Fruitcake Recipe
Here is a recipe you will surely want to try out this year:
1 C water
1 C sugar
4 large eggs
3 C dried fruit
1 tsp., baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take out a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to
be sure that it is of the highest quality, Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp. sugar
and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK, Cry another tup, Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Mix on the turner,
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample
the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, Or something. Who cares,
Check the whiskey, Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts, Add one table. Spoon, Of
sugar or something, Whateweryou can find, Grease the oven, Turn the cake tin to 350
degrees, Don't forget to beat off the turner, Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the
whiskey again, Go to bed, Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway ?
Computer Industry Acronyms
PCMIA – People Can’t Memorize Industry Acronyms
SCSI – System Can’t See It
PENTIUM – Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorect Understanding of
Mathematics
WWW – World Wide Wait
CD-ROM – Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
COBOL – Completely Outdated Because Of Length
MIPS – Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS – Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2 – Obsolete Soon, Too
MICROSOFT – Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools
Teenagers
LISP – Lots of Infuriating, Silly Parentheses
RISC – Reduced Into Silly Code
DOS – Defective Operating System
IBM – I Blame Microsoft
DEC – Do Expect Cuts
COMPUTER SPECIFIC OXYMORONS
Advanced BASIC
Software Documentation
Computer Jock
Web Security
Microsoft Works
JOB HUNTING SOON? Clarification of Hiring Lingo
"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our
competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don’t pay you enough to expect that you will
dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You will be six months behind schedule on your first
day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED" Female applicants must be childless (and stay that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON" If you’re fat, old, or ugly, you will be told the
position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We already have someone for the job, our call for
r�sum�s is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" You will need it to
replace three people who
have just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" You are walking into a company in perpetual
chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" You will have the responsibilities of a
manager; without the pay or
respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" Management communicates; you listen, figure out what
they want and do it.
OVERHEARD...
I love children, but I can never eat a whole one.
YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR...
A woman went out to her yard one morning and found her dog just laying there, not moving
at all. She thought it might be dead, but since it was a basset hound and never moved much
anyway, she wanted to be sure... after all, she didn't want to bury it and then find out
it wasn't. So she took it to the vet. The vet agreed to take a look. He shook the
dog gently. He checked for a doggy pulse, but couldn't find one. He held a mirror up to
the dog's nose but it stayed clear. He said, "Well, the dog does look dead; but I'd
like to run one more test."
He goes into the other room and brings back an animal carrier. He opens the door and a cat
comes out, walks around the dog two or three times, and finally lifts it's head and tail
and goes back into the carrier. Vet says, "Well, ma'am, I'm sorry to say but
your dog is dead." "Well, that's what I came here to find out," she
says, "How much do I owe you?" "That'll be $520."
"What?" she screams, "$520 to tell me my dog's dead?? Why so
much?" "Well," said the vet, "it's $20 for the office visit, and
$500 for the cat scan."
MICROSOFT JOKE
Ten things that would be different if Microsoft started building cars:
1.A particular model car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before
it.
2.Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3.Occassionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For
some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
4.You could only have one person in a car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car
NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
5.Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and 5
times as fast -but it would only run on 5% of the roads.
6.The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced with a single
"General Car Fault" warning light.
7.People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars,
forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
8.We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
9.The US Government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving
them
10.New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
HOW SPECS LIVE FOREVER
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's
an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them
in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built
by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they
used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways
used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel
spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other
spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the
spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by
Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And
the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their
wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by
Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad
gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman
army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever.
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's rear came up with
it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just
wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.